A casual question can turn personal quickly when someone learns that surrogacy is part of your story. You may want to explain, give a short answer, or move on. All three are options. Frank addresses Intended Parents, Surrogates, and egg donors in this video. His three points are to remember that many people do not understand surrogacy, consider your audience, and share only what you feel comfortable sharing.
A useful response reflects your comfort level and respects the other people involved. You do not owe a stranger your medical history, financial details, or someone else’s private information.
Choose the amount of conversation you want
You can begin with a simple statement: “We are growing our family through surrogacy.” If the person is curious and you want to continue, explain the part of the process you feel comfortable discussing. If you do not, a warm boundary can be enough.
For example: “We are excited, but we are keeping the details private.” Preparing a sentence in advance can help when a question arrives in a public place or at an inconvenient moment.
Correct a misunderstanding without giving a lecture
Sometimes a question confuses gestational surrogacy with another arrangement. A short explanation may be all that is needed: “In our gestational surrogacy journey, the Surrogate is carrying the pregnancy and did not provide the egg.” Use wording that accurately describes your own situation.
If you would rather share a resource, our gestational surrogacy explanation provides more detail. You can offer it without turning the conversation into a debate.
Keep private information private
- Agree with your Surrogate about what identifying information or photos may be shared.
- Avoid discussing her medical details in casual conversation.
- Decide how much of your own fertility or donor information you want to disclose.
- Consider what you would want your child to hear when questions are asked in front of them.
Prepare an exit as well as an answer
Consider whether the other person seems open to learning or whether differences in beliefs may turn the exchange into a confrontation. You can keep the discussion brief or choose not to begin it. A persistent question does not require a longer explanation. You might say, “That is personal, so I am going to leave it there,” or “I appreciate your interest, but we are not discussing that.” A partner or friend can help change the subject when you have agreed on that support.
You may choose a different answer on different days. The goal is to keep control of your own conversation while treating the people in your family story with care. For conversations within your household, see talking with children about surrogacy.
